How Not to Make a Child
by Julia Caesaris
Summary: Three Academy students. Several lectures on Gallifreyan reproduction. Apparently far too much free time. One child... Now what?


**A/N: Apparently I write fluff now.**

"We - we did it," Thete stammered.

Koschei nodded, lips tight. "Yeah. Looks like it."

"You _two_," Ushas said. "Get out of the way and let me have a look."

Koschei wrinkled his nose. "What's there to look at? It _exists_, isn't that enough?"

Ushas pushed past them and plucked the - Loomling, Thete supposed, _their_ Loomling, which was an odd thought - right, plucked the Loomling out of the completely illegal and jury-rigged Loom currently sitting in the middle of Thete and Koschei's room. "Well, for one, it's humanoid."

"Was that an _option_?" Thete exclaimed, eyes wide. "I thought - you know - we're all humanoid, so wasn't it bound to be?"

"Not necessarily," Ushas said icily. "Didn't you do the readings?"

Thete shrugged, glancing at Koschei. "Well - no, not really. But Kos did them -"

"Koschei," his roommate corrected absently.

"And I know he'd tell me anything I need to know," Thete said over the other boy's voice. "Right Kos?"

Koschei rolled his eyes. "Only if you drop the stupid name."

"Speaking of which," Ushas put in, holding out the Loomling. It was small and had dark hair and was crying. "This needs a name."

Thete stared at it in distaste. "It can't come up with one for itself?"

Koschei shoved him. "What, are you _stupid_? Course it can't, it's just been Loomed."

"_I_ named myself," Thete said petulantly.

"There were so many things wrong with your Looming I don't even know where to start," Ushas told him, glaring at the Loomling. It was still crying, loudly.

Thete recoiled, offended. "Like _what_?"

"You have a navel," Koschei said, poking his stomach.

Thete slapped his hand away. "Stop that."

"Why?" Koschei asked, poking him again and grinning.

Thete grabbed his roommate's wrist. "Ushas is still here."

"Well fine." Koschei pulled his arm away and pouted. "Now what?" He looked at Thete. So did Ushas. The Loomling cried.

Thete's eyes widened and he took several steps back. "Oh no. No no no. I am _not_ in charge."

"It was your idea," Koschei pointed out, grinning.

"No no no," Thete repeated. "I - I thought this was a joint effort!"

Koschei nodded, looking innocent. "And it was, right up until it's time for someone to be blamed."

Thete stuck his tongue out. "Bastard."

Ushas rolled her eyes. "_Must_ you use alien slurs?"

"Yes," Thete and Koschei chorused, smiling at each other. Thete knew they both were thinking about that glorious span when they'd stolen a TARDIS and gone straight to an alien planet called "Earth".

Thete was the first to drop his gaze, finally focusing his attention on the Loomling. "Right. Well. Um - it needs a name, obviously. And a House."

"Well, yours doesn't have any room, obviously," Ushas said crisply, jiggling the Loomling. It continued to cry. "And neither does mine."

Thete hissed at her, but was stopped from going further by Koschei's hand. "Oakdown's full too," the brunet said.

Ushas sighed. "It wasn't an _insult_, Theta Sigma, it was a _fact_. Lungbarrow does not have any open positions."

"You could have phrased it better," Thete said grumpily, staring at the floor.

"Why?"

Thete sighed. "Look, can't you make it stop crying?"

"Yeah," Koschei said, looking wide-eyed and innocent. "It's going to give me a headache."

Thete shoved him. "You_ always_ have a headache."

"Not true!" Koschei protested, grinning. "Only when it gets me out of something."

"Which is a lot of the time," Thete muttered. "Omega knows how you pass your classes."

Koschei shoved him. "At least I do better than you do."

Someone knocked at the door. All three froze. The Loomling continued crying.

"Fuck," Koschei said quietly. "Fuck fuck fuck we're so fucking fucked I -"

Thete took a deep breath, shaking slightly. "Shuddup. You're not helping." He looked at Ushas, who looked just as terrified as he felt - they'd _Loomed_ a _child_. In their _bedroom_. There weren't even _concepts_ for how badly they were in trouble.

"You get it," Ushas hissed, "it's your door."

Silently cursing her, Thete connected to the APC Net and unlocked the door. It swung open to reveal Cardinal Borusa.

The room was silent for a moment, other than the crying of the Loomling. Borusa looked around the room, stepping inside. "I should have guessed," he said tiredly. "Koschei, get the door."

Deathly pale, Koschei nodded, and the door swung shut behind Borusa.

"Would one of you like to explain this?" Borusa asked, pointing at the Loom in the centre of the floor.

Thete looked at Koschei. Koschei looked back. They hadn't planned for getting caught - they hadn't planned past putting their bio-data in the Loom and hoping it worked. Most days they just shoved the Loom in their closet if someone not in the Deca was coming round. "Well, sir," Thete said finally. "We were just -"

Borusa raised an eyebrow. "Theta Sigma, please do me the courtesy of not trying to lie. Just tell me simply what happened here."

Thete tried not to look as scared as he felt. "From what you said in class, it should be theoretically possible to build a Loom unconnected to a House."

"I recall that lecture," Borusa said, straight-faced. "If I recall right, I also said that building such a Loom is strictly forbidden."

Thete looked at the floor again. "We didn't _mean_ to Loom anyone," he burst out. "It was just an experiment. We just wanted to make sure it _worked_, and then we were going to dismantle it, honest!"

Borusa looked slightly less stony and slightly more interested. "So that _is _yours," he said, gesturing at the Loomling.

"Yessir," Koschei said quietly, hand on Thete's elbow.

"Hmm," Borusa said, stepping towards Ushas. "May I see?"

Ushas nodded quickly and practically threw the Loomling at him.

Borusa looked more comfortable than Thete had expected with a Loomling in his hands. He held it differently than Ushas had, and after a moment he put a finger inside its mouth. "There we go," he said quietly, almost gently. "Now let me see -" He touched his other fingers to the side of its head and closed his eyes. After 4.3 extremely tense seconds, he looked up again. "If I did not know the three of you, I would say you were lying to me."

"We're not sir," Thete said, twisting out of Koschei's grasp. "I swear."

Borusa shot a glare at him. "But I _do_ know the three of you. Congratulations on your healthy female patrician."

"Sir?" Ushas said quietly. "Are we going to be punished?"

Borusa sighed. "Not if I can help it."

Thete blinked. "Sir?"

"Most Time Lords could not do what you have done, as patricians, alone in your rooms," Borusa said calmly. "I see no reason to punish you for it. She will need a House, however, and a name."

Thete tried not to jump for glee. "I've been thinking about that, sir, the House thing, and -" a moment of truth here, as condescendingly amused as Borusa was, this bit could get them all expelled - "Sir, we used four donors."

Borusa's eyes held a glimmer of amusement, and Thete's guts unclenched. "I see three of you."

"Yes sir, ah, you used your bio-data as an example in class a few spans ago," Thete said very quickly, as if that would make the information less disastrous.

Koschei hit him. "Why'd you tell him?"

"He was going to work it out anyway," Thete muttered. "Weren't you?"

Borusa sighed, looking down at the Loomling. "You guessed correctly, Theta Sigma, yes there is an open position in my own House."

"They won't be happy," Ushas said darkly.

"As if I am unaware of that," Borusa chided. "Koschei, who stole the bio-data?"

Koschei put on his best innocent face. "Sir?"

Borusa glared at him. "Don't give me that look. I will do my best to keep your names out of the legal aspect, but Koschei, your grade _will_ be affected because of the theft."

The brunet scuffed one foot against the floor. "Yes sir."

"As for the Loomling - she is still missing a name."

Thete sighed. "I was - I was thinking -"

Borusa quirked his lips. "I believe that is what caused this mess."

"Why does everyone think it was _my_ idea?" Thete burst out, annoyed.

"Because it always is," Ushas muttered.

Koschei rolled his eyes. "Go on, Thete, ignore her."

Thete swallowed hard. "Yeah. Um. Because - because we didn't expect her, but she's still wonderful, and they don't bloom regularly and -"

"Oh dear, he's waxing poetic again," Koschei said, grinning.

"Shuddup," Thete said, face bright red. "I was thinking Arkytior."

**A/N: The headcanon that spawned this, so I don't get unhappy messages: If One was better with human relationships, he would have called Susan his daughter - there isn't a generation between them. But he thought the key difference between parents and grandparents was that there were two of the former and four of the latter. So since Susan had four donors, he introduced her as his granddaughter. (She was Loomed illegally, of course. The other three were Koschei, Ushas, and Borusa, who was completely unaware until after the fact that the Deca had gotten a hold of his bio-imprint.)**


End file.
